CHEERFUL SNIPPITS

!: An Oliver outlet has closed in Brighton!

2: Tessa, a friend of ours, has read Lies. She is a distant relative of the the owners of the publishers Jonathan Cape. She loved Lies.

3: I’ve sold some tickets for my show at The Little theatre on Sunday 12th of April. So if any of you fancy an evening in red plush seats, a downstairs Victorian Bar if you need to wet your whistle, watch clips of my films and TV shows, my chatting about the people and my career and also talking about Mr Benn, plus a few tricks, why don’t you come along? I’d love to see you.

Little Theatre for tickets brightonlittletheatre.com. 

FOOTFALL.

I did a series for Channel 4 many moons ago about the importance of local shops and the community. Ken Richardson had a hardware shop. An old people’s home was just around the corner. Mr Richardson, who’d been trading for over thirty years knew everybody. One day an old lady from the home, saw Mr Richardson putting his wares outside his shop.

‘Morning, Mr Richardson.’ she said.

‘Morning, Mrs Jones, how are you?’

‘Not sleeping well at the moment. I’m on my was to see the doctor.’

‘Do you fancy a cup of tea, Mrs Jones?’

Mrs Jones sat down with her cup of tea, told Mr Richardson about her woes, he sympathized and by the time she’d finished her tea she’d forgotten about going to see the doctor and went back home. She needed someone to talk to. That’s what local shops offer. People that you know, who are helpful and, most importantly of all... listen.

I can go through many examples of the importance of local shops. But they are closing faster than pubs. Why?

Here’s a clear example. A Jamie Oliver restaurant has just opened in our area. Not the best of nosh but he’s popular. Fifty yards away from Oliver’s there was a beautiful children’s book shop. It had been operating for over twenty five years. Now it has closed.

The reason is simple. In comes Oliver’s, the landlords of shops in the same street put the rents up. Their logic is that because Oliver’s in the area, more people will be around, therefore the renters of their shops will make more money, so why not the greedy landlords.

It’s horrible, it’s crazy, the ex-children’s book shop is empty, no one has taken it up. I suppose in time it’ll be a short let for an antique shop, a coffee outlet or, as most empty premises. are taken over by Charity shops.

I don’t know what can be done about it, no point in appealing to the landlords soft side! They’re like armadillos.

And Armadillos are ruthless and devour anything in their path.  

HEADACHES

Sam Westerby has got me over twenty five local Radio interviews. Of those only Judi Spiers (radio Devon) show has sold any copies of my novel Lies. Although she has invited me to the Appledore Book Festival in Devon in September and also asked to read on a programme she hosts but not Lies as it might offend some listeners ( ! ) so I’ll read selections of my autobiography.

Sam has also got me the Ken Bruce show, also the Steve Wright show on Radio 2. These both were amazing in helping to sell books.

All of the D.J’s seemed to talk endlessly about Mr Benn.

We went to see John Challis’ Fools and Horses and Boycie show in Croydon. Coming out of the station it reminded me of Milton Keynes and Swansea, not in an architectural way, but the fact that it’s street lighting seems to be lit by 40 watt bulbs.

Saw John and his wife Sue before the show. It was good to catch up with him. Thirty plus years ago we were at The National Theatre together in Tom Stoppard’s On the Razzel. Good times for both of us. I’m so pleased that he’s done so well.

There were over 100 in the audience. They laughed and listened. At the interval, Sam and I had a drink. Going back in I saw Sue sitting by a table with John’s books and photo’s on display. ‘We hope to sell over fifty books at these shows.’ she said..

The 2nd half started. I realised that I had to leave to catch the train. Left a message with Sue to pass onto John and blindly wandered to the station.

As the train rattled homeward, seemingly stopping at every tree not unlike a dog with trouble with his waterworks, but it all gave me thinking time. “Fifty books.”, “!00 people in the audience”

Fools and Horses is a big draw but Mr Benn?

The first show I’ll do is on April 12th at Brighton’s Little Theatre. It’s a 72 seater.

Will I manage to get anybody in? Will I sell any books?

Two months to go and I’m already panicking.

No wonder I’ve got a headache.

LONDON

On Friday I recorded my interview with Steve Wright which is to aired on Monday the 12th.

I do like going to the BBC, it’s history and the friendly staff. Except for the individual in the Delivery Department. That department is a few steps away from the entrance to Radio London.

‘A book for Robert Elms.’

‘Take it to the Delivery Department.‘ I do.

Three weeks later in to do the Elms interview. ‘Got the book?‘ I ask him. ‘No.‘ he says.

That man in the Delivery Department is letting the BBC down!

The British Broadcasting Corporation is the most respected broadcasting organisation in the world.

Sam Westerby, is with me on Friday, he likes to drink Strongbow cider but I couldn’t find any pub around the BBC that sold it.

In 1827, the German poet Heinrich Heine said of London “I’ve seen the greatest wonder which the world can show to the astonished spirit.” 

But Claude Monet said. ‘Without fog London wouldn’t be a beautiful city.” Which sounds like a backhanded compliment to me.

I agree with the German poet that it is an astonishing and magical city, with it’s art galleries, theaters, museums, architecture, it’s amazing underground system, it’s churches and it’s amazing history.

It’s a great place apart from it’s Delivery Department at the BBC and without it’s seemingly scant outlets for Strongbow.

Still you can’t have everything

MR BENN

I’ve done a good few radio interviews in the last month or so. Thanks to Sam Westerby. On the 9th I’m recording n interview with Steve Wright.

In the majority of these interviews they always talk about Mr Benn.

The plan now, with Sam’s help, to do a tour (with a few tricks) talking about the bowler hatted man.The title will be ‘Suddenly as if by Magic. The genius of Mr Benn.’

The first date penciled in is at the Unity Theatre in Liverpool.

With Steve Gerrard leaving Liverpool F.C. in the summer, Mr Benn is the obvious replacement.           

PROCEDURES!

In the supermarket I was bashed into by two trollies. This panic Christmas buying is frying people’s brains

I eventually reached the check out carrying my ‘Bag for Life’.

‘Would you a like a bag, sir?‘ the assistant said sweetly.

I pointed to my bag. ‘I’ve got one thanks. Didn’t you see it?’

‘Yes. But we have to ask. Sorry.’

So bruised (I think) and confused by the inane rules that the checkout people have to follow, I went home..

I had three ‘down the line’ interviews to do at the BBC (thanks, Sam). Catching a tube at 8.00 in the morning is a nightmarish experience. Brunel was a genius but even he couldn’t imagined what his precious underground system has turned into. The Elm Tree Police would have a field day, packed in so tight, each carriage should have a vicar conducting marriage ceremonies. By the look on the majority of the faces in my carriage had definitely consummated their marriage rights before the vicar had even opened the good book.

At the BBC I had to deliver a copy of Lies to Robert Elms at BBC Radio London before the interview with him on the 30th of December. I went to the desk with the envelope.

‘No, you’ll have to take them to the Delivery area just down the road.‘ I go there but I couldn’t see how I could get in. Fortunately a bloke was there who told me which button I had to press.

Inside, it was a bleak place with an unattended cubby hole. There was a man waiting with a multitude of parcels. The attendant arrived, mumbled something and the parcel man moved off.

‘For Robert Elms.‘ I said, offering him my envelope. He pointed somewhere vague where there were parcels piled high. ‘Put it there?‘ I said.

‘No.‘ he said irritably. ‘On the rollers.’

I see the rollers and put it there. Nothing happens. I take it back to the morose man. ‘Okay?’

‘No. On the other rollers.‘ I thought he was going punch me in the face.

The other rollers started moving through a covered tunnel and then emerged on the other side. I took it back. He stamped it and took my envelope away.

Outside, I thought what was that all about? Alright bombs but it was my book for Robert Elms, who on earth would want to blow him sky high?

Two books to be delivered for Steve Wright show for my interview on the 9th of January. BBC Radio 2, much easier. I speak to the receptionist, she makes a phone call and down comes John Dutton and takes them. So much simpler.

The three interviews done I get on the tube. No, I can’t do anything about the BBC’s procedures but what about supermarkets?

How about traffic lights at the end of each aisle. Mini roundabouts? I’m sure there have been accidents in these places, not fatal but certainly not good for the reputation of these establishments.

Anyway, Happy Christmas to all you ‘bruised’ shoppers.         

P.S. SEASIDE

A small addendum to my previous post, which apparently no one is interested in.

The only actors that I wouldn’t call on to be Station Announcers would be certain EastEnders.

When I was in that show I had to learn how to ‘lip read’, so inaudible were they.

So the bosses of Railway Lines should be careful that none of them slip through.