Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Me again

Walking down a London street. An empty street. Except for one young man sitting on a wall staring at his mobile phone. My shoes, bought for £10 in an antique supermarket in Brighton not dissimilar in their effect as the 50’s Brothel Creepers, made no sound as I whispered towards the statue like youth. As I became parallel with him he looked up and at me. He must have had a radar app for his mobile so sharp was he.

‘Are you on telly?’

‘Yes.’ I replied. 

“Why bother doing this? You’re not on telly. You haven’t been since 2006.” 

Who said that?  

“Me, stupid.” 

Who are you? 

“You. The sensible you, before you had delusions of grandeur.”

‘What have you been in?’ the young man said.

“Oh God, here we go again. Give him that tired old list.”

‘Fools and Horses.’

“What? You weren’t in that!”

Of course I wasn’t but he won’t know

‘Oh, yeah.’ he said, happily. ‘You were smashing, I loved you. You was Rodders, weren’t you.’

‘That’s right.’

“That’s a lie and you know it. Stop pissing about. You’ve been writing on your blog for the thick end of three years and hardly anyone reads it. Most posts are trying to sell you Viagra. You’ve got to pack it in. It’s bad for you.”

Is it?

“Yes, because nobody, nobody reads it! Now, let’s get you home, have some hot milk and bed.”

I want a coffee and a cigarette.

“No more smoking. It’s turning your brain inside out. Before you know it you’ll be talking to yourself.”

Oh dear.

P.S. Ray has now been incarcerated at The Brownlee Care Home for Demented Actors in Kent.

simon drew(Wednesday, August 14 13 11:37 am BST)
why not transfer your blog to Facebook?
please .....don't stop writing
I look forward so much to your anecdotal therapy!
Ann Wilson(Wednesday, August 14 13 04:09 pm BST)
Ray, you are so funny and I love your blog, so please keep it going. I don't think anyone reads mine either, well maybe friends and family, but they don't leave comments, probably too polite! You must have lots of juicy snippets you could put on here, that maybe you missed in your autobio.
mark(Saturday, August 17 13 01:09 pm BST)
Keep writing Ray, ignore the spam
'Smudge'(Monday, August 26 13 10:13 pm BST)
I vote with the other folks here - do please keep writing Ray. Your blogs never fail to entertain and amuse.
Mick Kedian(Wednesday, September 04 13 08:29 am BST)
Ray, there are plenty of readers out there who enjoy and look forward to your blogs... you certainly deserve a larger audience
Bogman(Tuesday, September 10 13 06:43 pm BST)
I thought you the coolest winkle picker ever. I suppose if I was to see Some People now it would not be the same but it made a big impact in my little town in the west of Ireland. I think it was 1963 and I was 14.
Lee Crichlow(Saturday, September 28 13 12:20 pm BST)
Keep writing the Blog Ray. It is a marvelous read and maybe one day you can publish the collected musings?
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